To Whom it may concern:
I would like to apologize for forgetting of your existence. The time we shared was delightful and I do miss it terribly. My mind had toyed with the idea of returning to you, but the rest of me was far too busy. Now my old routine seems to be my current routine and I find that I have the time to do what I love....write! So, if you'll forgive me dear blog, I would like to write today.
I can't believe how much has changed since April 2009. One near divorce, 2 kids who don't seem to understand that I want them to stay small forever, and the severe depression that I fought my way out of! Good grief, I could write a book about all the things I've gone through in my 26 years of life! I've actually considered it. We'll see how that goes.
The near divorce was a terrible ordeal. I had finally come to terms with the fact that my marriage would soon be but a memory. We had gone through so much pain and I thought that things would be better if I just ended it there to avoid future pain. I loved the idea of finally being happy and starting a new life. I'm not going to lie, it felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe again. Diego and Esmeralda knew nothing of it. The plan was to take one last family vacation to California then to Texas. Ozzie would be coming home alone. On the drive to Cali we talked about what was going to happen: custody, finances, work, school, etc. I could not only see the fear, sadness, and pain in his eyes, I could actually FEEL it. I could feel what he felt: the disappointment of not having tried harder. I clenched my jaw as I saw the tears in his eyes. Esmeralda unknowingly changed the topic for us and we did not speak of it again.
California was amazing! We spent as much time on the beach as we possibly could. I must say, I fell in love with the place. I watched as Ozzie held Esmeralda's hand and waited for the waves to wrap around their feet. She held onto him for dear life. I saw the way he played with Diego in the sand. But this time it was different. I could feel the love in his heart; I could see it in his eyes. I'll admit, the guilt of tearing them away from their dad was killing me.
One night, we went out on the town with Ozzie's cousins and their wives. It was one of the few times he had ever gone out with me like that. We had an amazing night. On our way out of one club I remember him turning to me and saying, "I would really like to do this with you more often." All I could do was smile. As the days passed, we spent more time together as a family, driving around, seeing new places, meeting his old friends. I saw a whole different side of this man. He was fun, loving, and carefree. I fell in love all over again. What can I say? He's always had my heart.
Our week in Cali was extended by a few days then we we drove to Texas to see my family. During our stay, I finally went to see my dad after almost 3 years of not even speaking to him. It was his birthday. Great timing! Two days later we left to bring Ozzie back home. We made amends on that small trip. I finally stopped listening to my mind and let my heart decide. The kids and I drove back to Texas within a week. When we were finally back at my mom's house, things turned from bad to worse. We fought more than ever. I tried to get her to see how her actions affected everyone around her and that her words were tearing our family apart. I failed! The kids and I stayed at my sister's house for a couple of days. That was fun. I'm really glad we're getting along now! My sister-in-law had her baby and a couple of days later, we came home.
So, here I am, two new dogs, separate Las Vegas vacations, and a whole school year later. I can't tell you that I'm happier than I've ever been, but I'm working on it. I'm taking a small break from school to be the 100% stay-at-home mom I used to be (think June Cleaver). It works for us. Some days I wonder why I'm even going back to school. I love my kids and husband. I could do what I do every day. But that's also the problem. I DO do this every day and find myself wondering why women complain about being a stay-at-home mom. It's the easiest job I can imagine! My house is clean, kids are fed (and usually clean), husband is happy. I don't leave the house unless we need groceries or I need gym or adult time. If it wasn't so hot out, I would gladly take Esmeralda and Diego to the zoo. I know what it's like during the summer...it's, well, a zoo. I'm talking about the people, not the animals!! So, around noon, when the house is clean, dishes are done, and kids are having quiet time, I'm bored out of my mind. I now understand why so many women like soap operas. There is nothing good on tv at that time. Maybe I'll take up baking again (at the expense of my waistline), or maybe, just maybe, I'll start on my book. Would you buy it? ^_^
